Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Rolling In Pain

I cry nearly all day every day
I roll around in pain
I get sick to my stomach
I drip in sweat
I can't control my thoughts
I ache all over
I can't sleep right
I can't eat
I'm dizzy
I'm sad
I am damaged
... and I'm alone

Times like these really make me question our existence. Why are we here? Do other people really go through life without breaking down every few hours? Do other people really go through life without feeling like they have a rock in their stomach? I can't even fathom the pleasure that must must be.

I'm not religious, but last week I dropped to my knees and prayed. I am too weak to go this alone... but alone is all I have. I live in a small one-room apartment. I sit here with too much time every day and go stir crazy. But I am stuck. I have no outlet at all.. like doing social activities, is just too much to handle. It's a weird feeling. Basically I am isolated and hate it, but don't have the strength to change it.


... It was never supposed to turn out like this.

16 comments:

G said...

I'm struck by your pain. I can't really relate because I have never reached the depths of despair that you have. Never the less, I am struck with grief.

I'm sorry.

Feel free to contact me at gkuhns at gmail. I will be a friend.

Cooldudee334 said...

Often times people in a depressed state feel like there is nothing that can make them feel better, but the reality of it is that they are simply blinded by their sadness. This is, of course, not saying you're inept in any ways. I understand how hard it can be to see that there is hope at times and it can all become a question of why.

The New Year is an especially hard time for people searching for friends. Because of all the resolutions people are making they find little to no time for new people so making new friends is down near on the end of their list at this time, sadly.

I'm not religious either, but I do follow what the bible says at times as personal advice. Did you know that religion is in many ways based solely off of relationships? The core of it is in fact, a relationship with God. I know this isn't that great news for someone in search of relationships, but, there are solutions.

Have you ever considered therapy? I have a very close friend who attends therapy on a weekly basis and it helps her a lot. Before she started therapy, she was in many ways, like you. Take it into consideration, because it is, in essence, a strong relationship that you pay for, and you'll find it can help you a great deal.

Another problem that arises from this sort of deep depression is a fear of what you can become. As much as it may seem like you're searching for a way out, you can just as well become accustomed to searching for a way out. Often times it may seem like you're getting better, but you relapse because you get scared. It's understanding you can become better that is one of the most difficult parts of this whole thing.

I am still open for conversation and was actually expecting to speak with you over an IM messenger by now. There are many things I hope to ask you which I think may be able to help you, but it's up to you if you want to trust me or not. I hope to hear from you soon. :)

-Ben

Anonymous said...

thanks for the kind words. I do go to therapy. It helps that there is at least someone to listen.. but I have been doing therapy for years and am still not finding relief. I guess at this point I don't know where to look for help.

Anonymous said...

About religion: I personally have no great faith, however, I fear if I commit suicide, heaven's doors would be closed for me.

Heaven's existance is my only hope.

I've read your blog since its first post (though I did miss the post you deleted..) and I envy you! You are able to write down wour feelings, words and questions.

I often have problems wrinting a single sentence..

Glad to see you're trying therapy and all, hope it'll help you. Me, I'm way to frightened to go to a psychologist or the likes. To be honest, I don't leave the house if I must not do so.

Hope to read more of you. It somehow gives me a feeling of smaller lonliness when knowing someone else feels similiar pain..

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

That is too bad you afraid to seek help from a professional. I have had very little luck with receiving help/relief, but at least I have tried. I can not give much encouragement since my experiences have not been great.. but if it is something you haven't explored, it *might* help.

-tec

Anonymous said...

I know I'll have to try it one day. And I hope I'll be able to.

But at the moment I just can't do it.

I'm in a relationship at the moment. I already know we'll part some time in the future. But I must take care of this "problem" now. Even if I can't help myself, I do not want others to be hurt. And keeping someone happy who you do not love is very hard..

I think I'll call myself "Mr. Silent" in my comments. Somehow can't register here.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Silent,
i guess you reach a point where it is impossible to not seek help. you either die, or you reach out. i have tried very hard to reach out through going to therapy and writing this blog.

and i understand your concern over relationships. They are one of my main sources of grief.

I can *not* be alone, yte every relationship I have had has ended up causing extreme pain when it ends.

-tec

Anonymous said...

tec,
I think I reached and passed that point a long time ago.

Whenever I'm asked something, may it be trivial or intimate, I have to lie. Because people are already talking so much about me. I just wan't to pretend to be a normal guy.

Going to therapy would destroy this.

And of course, I'm so afraid of social contact now. I wish I had contact, but when I meet someone, I just close myself out. It's probably to late for me. I'll just have to live this life until its end.

It's the same with relationships, I tried them, but I was never happy. I wasn't able to feel the love I was given. Well, if any was given to me at all.

So I accepted loneliness, as for me, it causes less pain than contact to someone who won't understand me anyway.

- Mr. Silent

Anonymous said...

Please know you aren't alone. I'm married to a wonderful man, despite this I often still feel the way you do. I'm subscribed to your blog so please keep posting. I'm glad to see you're back. December through March are the the toughest months(at least for me) but hey daylight savings ends earlier(or begins later?) this year so maybe things will brighten up sooner(no pun intended, haha), but sunlight usually seems to help.And the holidays aren't so great, esp when you're feeling like hell and you have to entertain and pretend you're doing great.

As far as therapy goes, I believe it can only go so far. But it can provide structure which sounds like a good thing for you right now. Medication? Refresh my memory please; are you on anything? Against it? For it? Yet another thing that can change your life or destroy it.

I'm glad you started posting again. Keep it up. There are lots of us out there who share your pain. Do you a have a pet by any chance? Now that is one thing I guarantee will make you feel better and give you a reason for being.Think about it, and if you can handle the responsibility. The shelters are overflowing with animals who will loe you unconditionally.

Sorry to be redundant if you've discussed these things already I didn't have a chance to read over your past posts.

Anyhow, we can chat later.

I can talk for hours on the matter but right now I have to drag myself to the store for pet food.See I'm being forced out of the house right now cause I have hungry little monsters to feed.Nothing like that for motivation.

I'm also going to compile a list of books that I personally find especially comforting during these times. Hang in there.Thanks for being so honest with us.
talk soon,
j

Anonymous said...

Hewo! Always nice to find someone that expresses the same things you feel. Like the internet is one big ocean and I found your tiny message bottle. I'm pretty depressed, isolated, and disintegrating by the minute. I think your situation has some hope- you live alone. Get a pet, a cat or a dog, that will help tremendously. And also, I'm not sure what your specific diagnosis is, and I am skeptical of the field in general, but f*ck drugs man. Anyone who tells you otherwise is fulla c*ap whether they know it or not. I used to be on the zoloft and prozac and whatever the new drug was that month was, and I found that for the purposes of my life, drugs didn't help. They're a crutch you never outgrow. If you really want to beat this thing, I think you've got to do it on your own. Therapy is a crock as well. Check out alt.suicide.methods for some support along the lines of what I've been talking about, depressives only, but watch out for the nutjobs who'll tell you to off yourself and the churchies.

Anonymous said...

i remember reading your first blog post. i was so delighted because you wrote for me what i was going through. and i hoped you would find a solution, because that would mean i will have a solution, too. but that never happened.

it is probably because there is none. i am starting to think that it all comes to the meaning you attribute to life. other people may go through that without breaking down, because they have replacements to keep themselves busy. i do have. computers, music, books, web. when i am busy with these, i don't think anymore the situation i am in.

but deep down, i still have that feeling of emptiness. and it makes me never enjoy the moment. and just keep thinking on the next.

Ben said...

Hi Tec,

I don't know if you still read this but I'm going to write to you regardless. I want to share with you the progress I've made since I'd last spoken 7 months ago.

Change is inevitable. That's the most obvious thing about life, is it not? However, change can be controlled. The good, the bad, you can manipulate it to change who you are today..It's simply a matter of finding how you do it.

About a month ago I started realizing the true extend of my anxiety. I took on everything that I do in my life and connected it with my anxiety, and found that there were some things in my life that hurt me.

Firstly, one thing that is a major common misconception is overt change. Getting a haircut, starting a new journal, getting a pet, finding a new loved one...All of these things won't help you. I've seen it in so many people including myself, and some how they think that if they get a new hair cut all of their problems will be one step closer to being solved. Some have given up on becoming happy, and simply seek to find moments of bliss...I don't feel sad for these people. If it's what they wish for and they can live a life in that way, then I believe it is good for them.

However, I seek more. I seek for the reason behind my anxiety and I seek for what I can do to stop this madness.

Upon realizing how much my anxiety controlled my life, I shared my shame with my friend. Anxiety is fear, and fear manipulates you into doing so many things. I opened up to her and she understood...Then I had opened a part of myself. I had achieved a super spiritual insight, and I confronted my fear face to face. I banished it from my mind.

However, it isn't that easy. Even after performing this act I was still lost. My mind started decompiling itself. Fear is a part of you and me, and if you simply banish this part of you, you will lose yourself.

So I welcomed back my fear, I had no other choice. I did it gradually though, and found support from my friends to ensure that I didn't become completely fear stricken of the world. In a way, you could say I gave rebirth to myself.

This is how I controlled my change. I used change to conquer my anxiety. Mind you...Anxiety is a part of all of us, and it can never be erased. But what I've done is put myself one step closer to leaving thoughts of pointlessness behind.

Now, I'm searching in how fear affects me still. It's wise to do this because you can diagnose what needs to be changed in your life to create a fearless view. Never try to conquer emotional fear by creating relationships, because fear is all consuming, and you mustn't address a symptom of fear, but fear itself.

In any case...I need to go have dinner now. Best of luck to you Tec,

-Ben

Anonymous said...

I found the comments interesting as I too feel alone in life. I always have. I've never felt that there was anyone to really help me to deal with my feelings and my problems. My mantra is "No one never (as there has never been anyone there for me), never no one (as there never will be anyone for me), nothing (can't want, hope, wish for anything or anyone) and ALONE. At a very young age I develop a keen awareness that I would never know love or happiness. I haven't.

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