Saturday, April 28, 2007

On Waking Up Sad

I am in the middle of a pretty deep depression right now. Further and deeper than I have felt in recent years. Thankfully (and unthankfully), my problems' outlet has manifested in the form of anxiety rather than depression lately.. well until now.

I'm trying a new med right now (to add to the cocktail). It is for something I am not really diagnosed for, but it is yet one more attempt at relief. I tend to be really sensitive to medication side-effects. It has been several weeks and this has been a tough one. My sleep has been scattered and awful lately.

This morning was a tough, tough morning. Perhaps others can relate to this feeling I will describe, but it happens immediately when I wake up sometimes:

My eyes first open, and as my consciousness arrives, I start feeling a deep sadness and almost anger... and it is all directed at the fact that I am conscious again... able to think, able to process, able to feel.

It is Saturday... I have no responsibilities today... Why is so hard to just be awake and do nothing?

13 comments:

Ioannus de Verani said...

I don't really know if I can relate to the situation wherein you are, but I feel that the best thing you can do, if you really have nothing material to be depressed about, is just ignore it and do something. Make yourself busy, meet people, make a social connexion.

Good luck,
Ioannus de Verani
http://blog.verani.net

stauntongeek said...

Dear Anxious,

Your story is desperate, but very compelling. I was thinking about you all day, and now I must write. I know many have given suggestions on how you could make yourself feel better. I hope you have time for one more.

As I was reading, I felt envy as you listed your accomplishments. I have a lot of admiration for people like you, and as an aspiring software developer, I someday hope to be at the level of competence you seem to be. But your story confirms what I already know but too often forget: that no success can bring real happiness. The suggestions that many others are bringing, while many are not wrong in themselves, will never bring it either.

So I am a Christian. I hope you have not been inoculated against it, as so many have been. The problem with so much of Christianity, and what disgusts lots of sensible people, is that many actually use Christianity as a way to make life a little better, something they do on the side to give their life some meaning. It truly is “the opiate of the masses,” as someone (Marx, I think) once said.

So don't go looking for God so you will feel better. It won't work, I tell you. God isn't a candy dispenser, where we put in a few prayers and he dispenses a days worth of happiness. God is God, meaning he will do whatever is in his mind to do, and we cannot control him.. Being that he is God, and he is calling the shots now and forever, the only thing that makes any sense is to align yourself with that truth, and pay God the allegiance that is his. Do anything else, and your life absolutely will not work.

Jesus wants all. He says “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross (read “electric chair”), and follow me.” Does it make sense for you now? NO! Has doing anything that made sense ever helped you before? The answer is clearly no. Of course the allegiance God asks seems unreasonable. We think we are God. We are not. The results of that misconception are not pretty.

Align yourself with the truth, obey the truth, live the truth, and you will not regret it.

Anonymous said...

> if you really have nothing material to be depressed about, is just ignore it and do something.

The difficulty with depression is that's impossible to do.

anxious-tec said...

@stauntongeek
i always have time for suggestions. i guess religious faith is difficult for me to embrace. i am also jewish, so i don't think i could ever look to Christianity for any answers...

thanks for taking the time to comment.. every bit i read helps.

emjones said...

I agree with the previous anonymous commenter - one of the problems with depression - it is nearly impossible to ignore it and just do something.

Have you evaluated the medications you are taking? I have heard of people who stopped taking their anxiety/depression medication and started feeling better.

A lot of the commonly prescribed psychological medications can have side effects that end up being worse than the original symptoms they were proscribed to treat.

Your current bout of depression could be from a poor choice of medication which is making your depression worse instead of better.

Anonymous said...

I too have been in a very deep depression, along with rediculous amounts of anxiety. Now.. I have been through plenty of meds too, and was wondering if you have tried Lexapro. I also found myself sensitive to side effects, which is why I went through so many medications mostly, but I have found a lot of relief in Lexapro. Its the only one that has worked, but I still have a lot of anxiety, though.

Anonymous said...

I suffer with depression and anxiety and have been having a tough bout. Today I woke up with it and it is the first time it has been this bad this early in the morning. i don't have an answer for you, but I think I understand some of what you're going through. Waking up sad and anxious really sucks. Peace to you. And me.

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xattackofdiy said...

I understand!
I'm only 17 and I just woke up from a perfectly happy dream.
It was intense, passionate, happy.
And now I just want to cry.
I am so painfully sad right now.
I've also been an extremely depressed person.
I want to find a way to be happy without medication, god or anything else and it seems the only way that happens is when I have someone to love.
Sounds pathetic but it's true.

R said...

I have been going through the same thing lately, although it's not so much sadness and anger as it is a panic. I panic that I'm awake now, and all I can think about is how desperately I want and need to go back to sleep. This has kept me sleeping 12+ hours per day because I hate waking up and don't do it until I simply no longer have the ability to keep sleeping. I've been trying to find a solution too.

shelia39 said...

I can really relate to how you feel.I wake up sometimes and don't even know the reason why.It's an awful thing to experience.Then all day off and on I feel anxious and irritated.I thought I was the only person who felt this way.Good Luck to both of us...and everyone else who is going through this .God Bless.

Anonymous said...

is'nt it amazing how so many people on the internet deem themselves qualified to give advise. depression is in my eyes a chemical imbalance. i have suffered with it al my life. i wake up terribly sad,so bad i cant go to work. god knows how i still have a job. i take my medication in the morning. maybe i need to take it at night instead.